“As parents, our need is to be needed; as teenagers their need is not to need us. This conflict is real; we experience it daily as we help those we love become independent of us.” – Dr. Haim G. Ginott
The teen years are a delicate time of establishing independence from parents. If you are a parent of a teen, you’ve likely experienced communication challenges at one time or another. Keep reading for some simple steps to improve communication with your teen.
1. Instead of dismissing feelings, acknowledge feelings (even if your teen’s feelings seem silly.)
Example:
Teen: “Why am I always the one who has to vacuum?!”
Parent: “You really don’t like to vacuum, we can talk this weekend about reorganizing chore duties if you’d like.”
When we acknowledge our teen’s feelings, they feel heard and are less likely to continue complaining. The parent also offered to compromise and reorganize the chore duties to accommodate the teen’s wishes for a different chore.
2. Engage your teen in cooperation
Instead of ordering, “Get off the phone, I mean NOW!”
Try one of these:
- Describe the problem: “It is time to have dinner and you can’t join us if you’re on the phone.”
- Describe how you feel: “It is important to me that we eat dinner together.”
- Offer choices: “What would you rather do – continue talking for 5 minutes and clean the dishes after dinner or end the call now?”
- Say it in a few words: “Off the phone.”
3. Stop the Lectures
Instead of a long lecture (which teens usually tune out anyway) … try a short reminder which will focus the teen’s attention and is more likely to engage their cooperation. For example, your teen has a snack and leaves the bowl on the floor. Instead of a long lecture, you say:
“Susie, dishes.”
Reference:
Faber, A. and Mazlish, E. (2005) How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk. New York: Scribner.
Parenting